Faster soul master....
Mar. 22nd, 2002 11:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
silverfae9Today has been a bad day.
This is ridiculous.
Alright, I suppose a lot of my problem lies in the fact that I've been beyond stressed out lately. This has caused my grades to drop to what I would consider a bit low for my personal standards. (Read: B's. Too many freaking B's. I am not a B student.) I know that this sounds very very silly. But that's the problem with being a perfectionist. The fact that I am not living up to my own standards makes me feel awful, like because I'm letting myself down I must be letting everyone else down too.
There are reasons for anorexia.
There are reasons for self-mutilation.
My brain hates me, and I hate it.
If I move to Chicago, it will be for Pete. I -do- love him, I can admit to that. And a large part of love and relationships is compromise and sacrifice. It -is- important for him to finish his degree. I do not grudge him that. But I am very scared of being poor in a town like that where the standard of living is so high. I'm scared I won't be able to get a job.
This is the way it has to be. Living apart is hell, and I don't think I can handle it any longer than the time it takes to finish my own degree.
Just to lighten the mood a little, you know.
Today was a haircut-and-dye day. Also, I picked up a self-help instruction guide on how to survive your 20's. Yes, I know it's about 5 months until my birthday, but I was -so- entirely amused by the title. It has to be on my bookshelf, just to add color.
I was thinking today about all the drama that was involved in my whole Nate fiasco, and about how much I needed the drama to feel like there was a point to everything. It was my self-destructive behavior of choice at that particular point in time. The sad thing is that part of me still wants the drama. I'm the poster child of self-destructive behavior. I've calmed down a lot, though; even though I don't usually want to, I eat every day. I've learned that I have to stay away from scales, and that I have to let people know that there -is- a problem so that they can help me not do it any more. Nate was beautiful, but what I've got with Pete is worth so much more than anything Nate is capable of offering. He's an incredible person, a wonderful boyfriend; the fact that someone cares that intensely about me as a person makes me all tingly.
My, but I am fond of emphasis, amn't I?
This is ridiculous.
Alright, I suppose a lot of my problem lies in the fact that I've been beyond stressed out lately. This has caused my grades to drop to what I would consider a bit low for my personal standards. (Read: B's. Too many freaking B's. I am not a B student.) I know that this sounds very very silly. But that's the problem with being a perfectionist. The fact that I am not living up to my own standards makes me feel awful, like because I'm letting myself down I must be letting everyone else down too.
There are reasons for anorexia.
There are reasons for self-mutilation.
My brain hates me, and I hate it.
If I move to Chicago, it will be for Pete. I -do- love him, I can admit to that. And a large part of love and relationships is compromise and sacrifice. It -is- important for him to finish his degree. I do not grudge him that. But I am very scared of being poor in a town like that where the standard of living is so high. I'm scared I won't be able to get a job.
This is the way it has to be. Living apart is hell, and I don't think I can handle it any longer than the time it takes to finish my own degree.
Just to lighten the mood a little, you know.
Today was a haircut-and-dye day. Also, I picked up a self-help instruction guide on how to survive your 20's. Yes, I know it's about 5 months until my birthday, but I was -so- entirely amused by the title. It has to be on my bookshelf, just to add color.
I was thinking today about all the drama that was involved in my whole Nate fiasco, and about how much I needed the drama to feel like there was a point to everything. It was my self-destructive behavior of choice at that particular point in time. The sad thing is that part of me still wants the drama. I'm the poster child of self-destructive behavior. I've calmed down a lot, though; even though I don't usually want to, I eat every day. I've learned that I have to stay away from scales, and that I have to let people know that there -is- a problem so that they can help me not do it any more. Nate was beautiful, but what I've got with Pete is worth so much more than anything Nate is capable of offering. He's an incredible person, a wonderful boyfriend; the fact that someone cares that intensely about me as a person makes me all tingly.
My, but I am fond of emphasis, amn't I?
