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Let me know your enormity
Oct. 23rd, 2003 12:17 pmI went and spoke with the man at UW today about my application from last year, and the phrase 'you should leave academia and go be a mechanic' never came up. He basically confirmed what I already knew: that my enthusiasm overwhelmed my qualifications. He even threw me a bone and told me that my writing sample was "lucid and well-written," which was nice of him because it really wasn't. I told him about "Freebasing Text" and he said that's a much better thing than Sylvia Plath, much more exciting intellectually. And I knew that; knew that Sylvia was too well-traveled and hackneyed, but I just had to prove Dr. Horner wrong.
I know that everyone thinks I'm being silly, getting so worked up over this meeting and the whole application in general. But I can't change that any easier than I can change the color of my eyes...all I can do is pretend, and that's not healthy. Getting into grad school -is- important to me.
I was on the phone with my mom and I was telling her about how I was playing the "grad or undergrad" game and how I was such a snob because I was feeling so superior to all of these undergrads. She said that she didn't think I ever felt inferior to anyone and I laughed, told her that the fact is that I feel inferior to everyone but that I'm just damn good at pretending otherwise.
Here, I'll quote Sylvia: “we all like to think we are important enough to need psychiatrists. But all I need is sleep, a constructive attitude, and a little good luck.”
And that's true.
I got lunch on my way home. I'm becoming decadent in my old age.
Jeff was talking about his brother Justin last night, and what a strange kid he was, and that got me to thinking about if I was a strange kid. Looking through one of my baby books, I came across the following facts and things that my mother had written: "Is: original. Sam definately sets the trends at school. 3 1/2 years." My first words were 'cookie' and 'hi' at 9 months, which is about 4 months earlier than average. (I haven't shut up yet.) "Always is asking why, wants to know about everything. 2 1/2." My speech issues are the same, only now I do them on purpose: moving my 's' and replacing my 'l'. "Very kind to animals and other children. She won't fight back if another child pushes her, and she always stands up for them, and tells the teacher 'that's alright' if another child pushes her." "Amusing sayings: 'Michael Jackson! Alright! I like that! 1 1/2." Dislikes: Any help, wearing shoes. "Mostly outgoing except around some strange men." "Loves every book she can get her hands on. 2 1/2." "She tells stories to other kids her own age and older. They think she's the best storyteller ever. 3 1/2."
I could continue but I won't, because the point is that aside from the fact that I appear to have done everything rather early, which is really not so surprising, what I wonder is this: The essential elements of my personality seem to have been firmly in place before I was 4. Is it a good thing that I'm basically the same person I was before I was entirely able to dress myself and use utensils?
Yeah, I'm still always asking why.
Also, the Nate story that I avoided the other day, because it suddenly seems important to understand why it is that I am so far beyond him: Driving to Sarasota one night to look for shells we got into a discussion about his brother and sister-in-law. He was telling me that they had a sign on their microwave that says "Peep Death Chamber" and that when they had nothing else to do they would microwave peeps and watch them explode. I'm in the passenger seat giggling uncontrollably because this sounds to me like the perfect relationship, but Nate didn't agree. He thought that the moment profundity left the marriage, the second they stopped talking about god and started talking about the dishes, that that should have been the end. I tried to explain that exploding peeps together is what life and relationships are all about but I lost my point, the analogy became mangled, and I grumpily felt that I had lost a battle I hadn't even declared. But I still understand why eploding peeps is intrinsically glorious and Nate doesn't, and he never will. He's permanently 19.
This is enough from me. I've gone on too long yet again.
I know that everyone thinks I'm being silly, getting so worked up over this meeting and the whole application in general. But I can't change that any easier than I can change the color of my eyes...all I can do is pretend, and that's not healthy. Getting into grad school -is- important to me.
I was on the phone with my mom and I was telling her about how I was playing the "grad or undergrad" game and how I was such a snob because I was feeling so superior to all of these undergrads. She said that she didn't think I ever felt inferior to anyone and I laughed, told her that the fact is that I feel inferior to everyone but that I'm just damn good at pretending otherwise.
Here, I'll quote Sylvia: “we all like to think we are important enough to need psychiatrists. But all I need is sleep, a constructive attitude, and a little good luck.”
And that's true.
I got lunch on my way home. I'm becoming decadent in my old age.
Jeff was talking about his brother Justin last night, and what a strange kid he was, and that got me to thinking about if I was a strange kid. Looking through one of my baby books, I came across the following facts and things that my mother had written: "Is: original. Sam definately sets the trends at school. 3 1/2 years." My first words were 'cookie' and 'hi' at 9 months, which is about 4 months earlier than average. (I haven't shut up yet.) "Always is asking why, wants to know about everything. 2 1/2." My speech issues are the same, only now I do them on purpose: moving my 's' and replacing my 'l'. "Very kind to animals and other children. She won't fight back if another child pushes her, and she always stands up for them, and tells the teacher 'that's alright' if another child pushes her." "Amusing sayings: 'Michael Jackson! Alright! I like that! 1 1/2." Dislikes: Any help, wearing shoes. "Mostly outgoing except around some strange men." "Loves every book she can get her hands on. 2 1/2." "She tells stories to other kids her own age and older. They think she's the best storyteller ever. 3 1/2."
I could continue but I won't, because the point is that aside from the fact that I appear to have done everything rather early, which is really not so surprising, what I wonder is this: The essential elements of my personality seem to have been firmly in place before I was 4. Is it a good thing that I'm basically the same person I was before I was entirely able to dress myself and use utensils?
Yeah, I'm still always asking why.
Also, the Nate story that I avoided the other day, because it suddenly seems important to understand why it is that I am so far beyond him: Driving to Sarasota one night to look for shells we got into a discussion about his brother and sister-in-law. He was telling me that they had a sign on their microwave that says "Peep Death Chamber" and that when they had nothing else to do they would microwave peeps and watch them explode. I'm in the passenger seat giggling uncontrollably because this sounds to me like the perfect relationship, but Nate didn't agree. He thought that the moment profundity left the marriage, the second they stopped talking about god and started talking about the dishes, that that should have been the end. I tried to explain that exploding peeps together is what life and relationships are all about but I lost my point, the analogy became mangled, and I grumpily felt that I had lost a battle I hadn't even declared. But I still understand why eploding peeps is intrinsically glorious and Nate doesn't, and he never will. He's permanently 19.
This is enough from me. I've gone on too long yet again.
